When choosing a movie this weekend, don't put your faith in "Priest"

I TOLD you there was a train!

by Ken San Nicolas

Director: Scott Stewart

Time: 1 hour 27 minutes  

Genre: Action

Starring: Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q

I'm a pretty tough critic. But, even I am not as harsh as to give out a 0 star review of a film. Well, until now. "Priest" sucks. The last time I saw a priest this bad was in 2002 when Cardinal Law resigned from the Boston clergy. (Too soon?) Sometime in the not-so-near-future, the Catholic Church becomes a global socio-political power. Much of this is due to the fact that they have 'priests' -- soldiers skilled in the art of vampire slaying. You see, sometime in the not-so-near-future, vampires wreak havoc on our society and our only solution are the priests.

After the vampire menace is exterminated, the priests are no longer needed, and must find their way back into normal society. I wonder if the creators of this film were trying to build a metaphor for how we send solider's to fight wars, and when they come back, they find trouble adapting to "normal" ways of life... but then I glance at director Scott Stewart's resume, see that his other film was "Legion" (read review here) and am brought back to the bitter realization that the film I am watching is not that reflective.

Now I'm all for a good vampire flick, but what "Priest" lacks is any semblance of organization. The movie is only 1 hour and 27 minutes long -- my niece's ballet performances are longer than that (and have more comprehensible stories). Here is a quick breakdown of what happens in "Priest": cartoon about war between humans and vampires. Priests go into vampire cave and die. Ugly vampires kill random family and steal daughter. Paul Bettany searches for daughter with some guy, they fight vampires. Random train appears in middle of nowhere. Train blows up. Credits roll. Somewhere in jail Wesley Snipes laughs maniacally.

I feel bad for Paul Bettany. He is a good actor and someone should tell him to stop starring in movies made by Scott Stewart. I also feel horrible for Maggie Q and Cam Gigandet, two other quality performers who have been tricked into forever staining their filmography with the drivel now known as "Priest." This film almost seems like it has gone out of its way to do everything wrong. Exposition is weak, but its an action film so I guess I can give it a break. But then, the action is weak too. And the climax well, just didn't live up to the hype that the film was trying to build for the first 83 minutes.

It takes a really special kind of movie to not do anything right. Congratulations to Scott Stewart -- your film is officially the worst film I have ever reviewed.

0 out 5 stars.